Open Letter 2

Dear Indecisive Diner,

            I understand your woe. How is it possible to pick one, just one dish, when there are so many listed on the menu that look so good! What sort of devil created this particular bill of fare, so full of temptation and yet fraught with potential disappointment? What if you choose the wrong one? What? Do? You? Choose?

            Let me help you in the best way that I know how. While the Seared Tuna is delicious, and the Mahi Mahi is also good, in all my years of experience, neither is likely to be your last meal. In fact, this is more likely one of three meals (plus snacks) you will have today, one of 21 you will have this week, and one of 1100 you will have this year. To put it in perspective, it is one of 85,000 you will consume in your lifetime. It’s really not that important a decision. Laboring over it makes you appear indecisive, neurotic and weak, and makes me feel a little sorry for your spouse or friends.

You’ll probably only have to decide what to wear some 29,000 times in your life, and where to go to college or who to marry one or two times. Your important food decision is where to go out to eat, given that you make that choice only about 5,400 times, or 2,700 if you decide as part of a couple’s compromise. Looking at the numbers, it would seem wise to take your time picking a good spouse (I’m looking at you, person who married ‘Indecisive Diner’), a good school, and a good place to eat. Once you have that right, the rest becomes easier.

            Though I know you think deeply staring into my eyes when you ask if the broiled Cod is good will help you divine a real and honest answer, if you actually were half as perceptive as you think you are, the answer in my eyes would always be, “Just pick something, bitch.”

            Here’s a pointer for you newbie (or ignorant) diners out there. Think of the waiter as a taxi cab. Every time they are at the table, the meter is running. You are using their service and taking their time. Now here’s the tricky bit, so follow along at home if you can. A waiter’s time is not their own, but a time shared in executing the duties for all of the tables they are serving at once. So, if you monopolize the waiter at your table, you are not wasting their time per se, but the time they would spend with the other patrons. You are wasting the other customer’s time. You are making the food arrive at their tables a little bit colder; the wait for another drink a little longer; the overall experience less satisfying.

            So don’t use the waiter as someone who needs to be at your shoulder before you are able to make any sort of decision. If they ask you, “Are you ready to order?” they mean just that, not, “Are you ready to begin a long winded and unorganized open table discussion about what everyone else is going to have?” If you aren’t ready yet, tell your server you need a couple of extra minutes. Or just let them stand there while you hem and haw and be indecisive. Just be sure that when you’re finally able to place an order, have the courtesy to stand up and tell all the other patrons they can go fuck themselves, and that you don’t give a shit whether or not they have a good, expedient or even warm meal. Because that’s what your actions are saying anyway.

            Warm regards,

            Your Waiter